Serious Midnight Thoughts

I’m grateful to have never experienced the loss of a close family member or friend (just one friend years ago that I hadn’t known for a long time, but it was still sad and unexpected). However, I understand that death is an inevitable experience; one I dread with passion. One that I never wish upon anyone, yet one we all will feel the heaviness of at some point in our lives. 

Many nights I go to bed thinking about what it would feel like to wake up to my baby no longer breathing. Morbid, I know, but it’s a fear that I’m sure many moms share, especially if they’ve experienced the loss of a child to SIDS (I have not, obviously, but I know people who have). I can’t even imagine the heaviness of that sorrow. The dread of waking up each day without your baby. 

I don’t like knowing that I will at some point experience this. Someday my grandparents and parents are going to die. My friends, my pets, my husband. Maybe it’s selfish, but I wish that I could pass before them so I wouldn’t have to experience that, but that’s unrealistic. We have to come to terms with life, and life includes death. Good news is, death is merely a door to our next life. It feels more permanent than that, though, since we’ve never actually witnessed or been through it ourselves. We just know that’s what happens. You die and go to heaven (if you’re a believer). The dying part feels like that’s where it ends, because that’s all we see. We bury our loved ones, go through the grieving process, and try to continue on. What we don’t see, and the part often hard to believe for some, is that’s not where it ends. That person — their soul — lives on. That soul goes back to God who created it. Our eternal home, a beautiful place dwelling with Jesus. How could it be any better than that? That sounds beyond peaceful. Why would we wish for someone not to have that? Probably because all we can think about is how much it hurts and how we miss that person. It feels like we’ll never get to see them again, never hug or talk to them. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. They are dancing with Jesus, living the happiest they’ve ever been. And one day, we will join them and embrace our Lord with the warmest hug, the calmest peace, and the most serene joy. At least that’s what I imagine Heaven to be like. 

How does this relate to photography? Well, I don’t know that it necessarily does in terms of Heaven, these are just my midnight thoughts as I lay in bed unable to fall asleep. But, anytime I’ve missed a moment, a person, or a place, the photos I have to remind me of them give me so much joy. My baby’s birth, my little brother’s first birthday party, or my wedding, to name a few. All special memories in my head, but the sharpness of those memories fade. I have printed so many pictures and will continue to do so, because I want my children and future grandchildren to see what their mom/grandma did in her life! What I looked like, the things I experienced, how I dreamed and created. Those are the things in life that are priceless. So yes, my camera roll on my phone will always be full of thousand of pictures, and my hard drives will be full of countless images and videos. Today is tomorrow’s yesterday, but the memories of today will last forever in my images.